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Urban Warfare

The sun is melting down into a cup of coffee.
Gray,weary rainbows of nicotine addiction
Are touching up the ceiling in a sublime decay.
Enlightened silence brings its own destruction

Forever missing the sanest of the noises,
It shuffles down a bare, cruel laughing
And folds itself by killing off a rumour,
A tingling rumour of some odd corruption.

The crowd of empty souls is building now its coffin
Without the slightest sense of logic,but with reason,
And with their health intact as they are coughing
A hunt begins for one that does not say.

For they have felt the way to that odd something...
To lead,not push,the darkened reason into gray.
This is a poem i wrote as a challenge from ~poetic-forms

It's a bref double a traditional french poetic form,for a more elaborated description see [link]

Hope you enjoy it.
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:iconevilfaeries:
evilfaeries Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2005   Writer
Im not big on poetry that rhymes at all, but this wasnt bad.
A few pointers though..
I think it would look better if first word of the line wasnt capatalized,
unless it was the beginning of the sentence.. etc.

Good words though.. you put them together pretty nicely.

<3 Kandice
Reply
:iconkeetontulsa:
KEETONTulsa Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2005
oh turly excellent - I'm in awe - honest - simply eloquent use of words bud - congrats on a wonderful piece - I'm faving it - Joe
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:iconinsane-clownz:
INSANE-CLOWNZ Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2005
I cant seem to go this deep, with my poetry, it takes something vinigitive and warps it into emotion.
Very nice, I especially like "Without the slightest sense of logic,but with reason" It is descriptive, as I like it ;)
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:iconfokkar:
Fokkar Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2005
intense... very intense. I love the concept... the imagery... all laced together beautifully. Interesting poetic form... I might have to try that sometime. You don't really notice the rhyme... but somehow it makes it all fit together smoothly. One suggestion would be to play with the meter a little... I'm not exactly what type you went with... I'm pretty sure it wasn't iambic but I could be mistaken. Anyway... just a small suggestion to help an already wonderful poem. Awesome work!
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:iconpoetry-of-hate:
poetry-of-hate Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2005
I always appreciate a visit from my dear stalkers ;)

Glad you liked it.
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:iconlostwithinmyself:
LostWithInMyself Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2005
very nice keep up the good work
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:iconarevendent:
arevendent Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2005
I enjoyed feasting on the metaphors in your work. The structure is very ..romantic. I'd love to try it. I have never used proper structure in my life.. you've inspired me to start!
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:iconpoetry-of-hate:
poetry-of-hate Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2005
try visiting ~poetic-forms they have a lot of essays on writeups,I'm also glad that you feel attracted to the idea,you'd be amazed of what sort of creativity these old poetic forms inspire.

Best regards,George
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:iconnocturnal-jester:
Nocturnal-Jester Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2005
Beautiful poem... i love it :)
Reply
:iconpoetry-of-hate:
poetry-of-hate Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2005
I knew that cigarettes can create some affection,but love?That's brand new territory for me ;).

Glad you liked it.
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January 5, 2005
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